1) Whether you deserve Heaven or Hell, see how it is decided!
Hasim Ali, Vice Chancellor of the Aligarh Muslim University had his audience in splits when he narrated the following anecdote:
A vice chancellor died and received at the gates of paradise for questioning before his fate could be decided.” What were you doing when living?” asked Dharamraj (Hindu god of virtues).
“I was Vice Chancellor of a University.”
“That’s okay. You have suffered the pangs of hell on earth and deserve a break in paradise.”
Next arrival was put through the same questioning.
“I was Vice Chancellor of a University for three consecutive terms, “he replied.
“Put him in hell “ordered Dharmaraj.” He has got into the habit.
Khuswant Singh in “Gossip sweet and sour.”
2) You can’t beat ladies when it comes to bargaining!
My grand aunt who owns a fruit stand was pleasantly surprised to see his film star idol among her customers one day. She told him how she enjoyed seeing all the films he ever made and gave him a good price on his fruit. Still he haggled to her surprise.” Sir,” she said, “I never asked for a discount when I went to see your films.”
3) What an anti-climax!
A cousin, who is a priest, serves as an army chaplain. One morning, looking very handsome in his uniform, he attended a get together at a friend’s house. An attractive woman sidled up to him and started a conversation.
“What are you doing on Saturday night?” She asked.
“Hearing confessions “He replied.
4) Red denotes danger!
A woman in a red dress asks a farmer near a field, “Excuse me Sir, would you mind if I cross your field instead of going round it? I have to catch the 3-55 train to Begusarai.
The farmer answers,” Sure, no problem. Go right ahead ma’am, and if my bull sees you, you might even catch 3-45 train.”
5) Funny side of life
- People don’t look as awkward as they appear in PAN card or AADHAR cards; and not as handsome as they look in Face Book and whats app.
- Men are not as useless as their wives think and not as smart as their mothers believe.
- Male criterion for life partner: They expect their wives to look like “Miss World” and serve like “care givers”.
- Female criterion for their life partners: They expect their man to be a celebrity and wealthy as Bill Gates and polite and soft spoken like Manmohan Singh.
6) One thing good about…….
……..playing a piece of(western) modern music is that, if you make a mistake nobody notices!
……..not being a celebrity is that , you can walk into a coffee shop or a road side tea stall without being noticed and mobbed.
……….loss of hearing at old age is that they don’t have to hear all the unpleasant things being talked about them.
………..modern poetry is that the poets don’t have to be finicky about grammar!
………..about stammering is that you get time think, what to say.
7) Female taboo about admitting their age…….whether they are 19 or 90!
My wife and I were waiting in a queue to board a plane. The gate attendant announced over the microphone “anyone under six or over sixty may now board. “People with children moved through the line and boarded. A minute later a man came up, obviously above sixty.
When my wife and I eventually started to board, we saw that the man who claimed to be over sixty was waiting by the plane’s door. My wife asked him why he was standing there. He pointed towards the waiting room and said.” My wife is still back there. She wouldn’t admit that she’s over sixty…….and she has the boarding passes.”
8) No one knows the tricks of bending rules better than Lawyers
Two eminent lawyers entered a posh restaurant…….ordered two cups of coffee and settled down to eat their packed lunch they brought from home. The waitress noticed this and came up to them. She pleaded politely, “Gentlemen, as per our rules, customers are not expected to eat their own food in this restaurant.”
The lawyers looked at each other for a moment and quietly exchanged their lunch boxes and started eating again.
The waitress stood stunned.
9) A miraculous weight loss !
Mrs Bose joined a weight watchers’ club in Delhi. Members of the club meet once a week for a routine check-up of their progress and guidance of the instructor. Mrs Bose was unhappy over her slow progress. She was more depressed when she was told by another member Mrs Ayer that she had shed nearly three kg.in the previous week. Mrs Bose went to the instructor, who just refused to accept the figure of 3 kg weight loss in one week as claimed by the other lady. She insisted that slow weight loss is something that is consistent and that she would never recommend any crash programme. The instructor was not amused at all, she said, “How can Mrs Ayer claim that she had shed 3 kg. in a week? She has not been even coming to the club for the past 5 months? Where is Mrs Ayer, let me talk to her”
When, Mrs Ayer came up and said what had happened, the entire group burst into laughter; she had given birth to a baby last week.
10) Dry humour
George Bernard Shaw was known for his dry humour. He was also conscious of the fact that he was not particularly handsome, to be polite.
It is said that on the occasion of a premier show of one his plays, a glamorous young lady walked up to him and said that she fancied marrying Mr Shaw. She said, “Mr Shaw, just imagine the prospects: our children will get my looks and your brains.”
G.B.S. quipped promptly, “I wonder , lady ,what if they get my looks and your brains?”
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
A simple clue that can change our world!
A simple clue that can change ourworld!
Nothingwill take the place of persistence.
Talent will not.
“Nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.
Unrewarded genius is a proverb.
Education will not.
The world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and Determination alone are omnipotent”
The message is clear and loud. Unless you are persistent and determined, success will elude you irrespective of all your qualities and attributes. To be successful, one must be clear about his goal, have unfailing faith in him, and endowed with the gift of chasing the targets, irrespective of bottlenecks and failures.
Just think of the great inventor, Thomas Alva Edison, who holds maximum number of American patents in his name, had to make nearly ten thousand attempts before he successfully created a light bulb.
He had unfailing self- confidence in, was persistent, determined and patient. And not to undermine him in any way, he was not academically brilliant. In fact he was sent back home by his teacher as the school rated him unfit for school education. He literally had only three months of formal education.
He was taught at home by his mother, he was partially deaf but none of these shortcomings stopped him from having more than one thousand American patents in his name and be the most celebrated inventor of his time.